Tags
dave matthews band, dmb, games, love, players, relationships, the gorge, will they or won't they?
It had been about three weeks since Jack had gone on his nine day camping trip with his ex, and I still hadn’t heard from him. Which was perfectly fine with me, as I was enjoying lots of bike rides, porch parties and hammock swings with Zebey. We were still playing the ‘just friends’ game, even though I had never found a person with whom I had such a natural chemistry with. It was easy, being around her. Everything flowed, from conversation to laughter to comfortable silence. I was used to wearing different masks around different people, always the chameleon, being whoever I needed to be in order to fit in. With her, I couldn’t be anyone other than my truest self. It wasn’t something I consciously chose, but something I realized the more time I spent with her. What a precious gift it was.
The subject of my current relationship was never broached, unless I would make an offhand comment about how I hadn’t heard from him or how I was beating my head against a brick wall, trying to make it a success. I still wanted to hold the integrity of the promises I had made him, but the time and the silent distance was wearing thin on my resolutions.
On this particular Saturday, I was beyond excited. My favorite band, the Dave Matthews Band, was live streaming a show from the Gorge Amphitheater. They were only streaming it for XM Radio subscribers, and as luck would have it my mom had such a subscription.
Zebey and I had mutual friends, LB and BB (major Dave fans), who had been trying to get her interested in them for years. She was finally coming around, after so much resistance. That’s how it is with this band, a love or hate relationship. She was beginning to love them so I was especially excited to listen to the show with her.
We drove from Fort Wayne to my mom’s house in the country to get the XM receiver, then back into the city we went. This was one of the band’s first live streams, and it was like a dream. The excitement and suspense of being at the show but from the comfort of a couch. Or Zebey’s floor, which is where we found ourselves.
The show was streaming from the West Coast, the band usually goes on at 8:30 and they will play until 11:00. Being three hours ahead here in the eastern time zone, the show was taking us well into the wee hours. The time of night when veils thin, guards drop and we as mankind get into most of our trouble.
Zebey and I were lounging on the carpet when “Lying in the Hands of God” started. This song is pretty trippy, a haunting melody with a healthy soprano saxophone jam right in the middle of it. BB, LB and I like to joke about the ‘danger zone’ during a show, where the music takes a person into a whole other wavelength, rendering facelessness. We like to say “don’t hurt anybody!” when parts of a song would make driving and operating heavy machinery difficult, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved.
This magical song is playing, Zebey and I are high as kites, faceless. I have to sit up just to keep myself in my body, and I end up in a comfortable position; knees bent, feet behind me, my hips resting on the floor between my heels. She comes over to me, lies on her side, rests her head on my thigh and wraps her arm around my knee. I stroked her hair and played with her ears. We stayed like this until the moment passed.
This was the first time we crossed over to the other side of the wall. It could be argued that we were just good friends, girls especially can be warm and affectionate with each other in a platonic way. Sharing a Dave moment with a fellow lover of the band. But I was hoping it was something more than that. I was hoping she felt the same way about me as I did about her. Like she could be herself, that she didn’t have to try, and it was easy. I couldn’t ask her though, I still had a boyfriend. A revelation or questions such as those would have been highly inappropriate. Like I was trying to have my cake and eat it too, like I was creating a battle of angst within myself over where my affections lie. No no, I was still committed to keeping it clean, to keeping the space around us as sacred as I possibly could. Now, where the fuck was my boyfriend so I could just break up with him already and give my feelings for Darby a real chance to blossom? Damn him and my newfound yogic integrity.
airlyjjhune 