Tags
I want to talk about sex.
Why don’t people listen when I say no? I know what I want, I know what I like and I definitely know what I don’t like. Why should I have to justify it to you?
I miss sacred sex. I miss orgasmic enlightenment. I miss honoring myself.
Why do I always defer to the other person? I will sacrifice my inner voice. I will pretend to like it, while I die inside. Who made you boss? I’m sick of bowing my head and looking away while you exert your will over mine.
What kind of sickness in society, buried deep under the layers, comes out the more alcohol you let in? What are we working out?
Sex deserves better, I deserve better, you deserve better.
I can only imagine the pain of having your power taken away when you were too young to know that sex is the path to oneness.
You asked me why you wanted a penis. Because, in your development, all your power was taken away by those who had a penis. In your inner child’s mind, having a penis would bring your power back.
But it’s not an external thing it’s an internal awakening. Stop struggling, mind fucking yourself with the how. Just be. Allow her to heal you. Everything happens in its own time.
But back to last night. That last time I was drunk and he was drunk, I kept saying no. But not like I meant it. I don’t know how to say no in a way that is heard. Why in a drunken stupor do lines blur and up is down and in is out and you sacrifice what you want because that is the energy present?
I have a secret
I’ve never told anyone.
When he wouldn’t listen, when he thought it was a game, when I finally conceded to being dominated, I fucked his brains out. I made him think it was good. All while my insides died.
I told myself I was in control, but I was still bowing to his will. I didn’t look at him once. I couldn’t look at myself the next day. And you wonder why I don’t like mirrors.
Because when I look myself in the eye I see the soul I betrayed.
Now don’t get defensive, because I’m not saying that last night and that night are the same. Everything is a spiral and life moves in cycles. How many times did I try to get you to listen? “I’m just playing out my man tendencies.”
That’s when my heart stopped, I went on autopilot and pretended.
This morning when I was lying in bed I couldn’t decide how to feel or what to think. I know you love me, but you don’t get to work your sex karmas out on me. Every person you’ve been with leaves an imprint. Some say it stays for seven years, some say it stays forever.
I’ve changed my entire sexual nature for you, based on your whims and your wants. When you don’t want it I’ve never pushed. When you do want it you decide the position and who gets to orgasm.
But last night pushed my buttons and all of my sex karmas were activated. How I feel like a crazy person, driving home in the fog. Mother Nature understands me.
Why don’t we want to take each other to the higher planes? Why does alcohol bring out the demons? And as far as a strap on, why do you think a plastic stick will do more for me than a body part attached to a soul ever will?
It’s about time that Lilith was heard, and not told to be quiet, to swallow and not feel. I’m allowed to be crazy, to feel extreme feelings.
Who decides what’s a big deal?
Who decides what’s important?
Who decides what to care about?
Who decides to draw a line?
Who decides to demand more?
Who decides to tie in love with sex? To treat the body like a temple? To honor thyself? To worship other people?
If we keep sweeping everything under the rug, nobody heals. It’s time to start figuring out what it really means to love.